Twinkle Fight
by Ryuus2
Summary: Who would win in a fight, Major Alex Louise Armsrtong, the Strongarm Alchemist; or Konoha's Beautiful Green Beast, Rock Lee? The fight of the century begins! Complete crack.


This is an idea my brother gave me a few years back. It's been on my mind lately, so I decided to just finish it already.

Enjoy.

* * *

The stadium was full of jostling crowds as one opponents fans fought the other's for the choice seats, and to get a view around some of the more exotic members of the audience.

"Welcome sports fans to today's match! I'm Edward Elrich, the most awesome state alchemist ever," the blond shrimp in the colorful coat shouted from the announcers table at ringside. "My smartly dressed co-anchor is Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage of the ninja village of Konohagakure!"

"Thanks for the intro Ed my man," the blond shrimp in the colorful coat shouted over the crowds cheers. Er, wait... "As Ed said, I am Naruto Uzumaki, and this little guy on my head is MY co-anchor Gamakichi of the toad summons."

"What's up!" The red toad on Naruto's head shouted into the mike and waved to the crowd.

"That's it for the introductions," Ed continued. "We seem to have drawn quite the crowd today, eh Naruto?"

"That we have Ed. That we have. In the VIP box I can see the three legendary Sannin, along with their respective boss summons. We also have my team as well as the rest of the Konoha 12 and their sensei's, that's Ebisu watching over the Konohamaru Corps, and there's Ibiki-san and that crazy snake lady Anko. I also see my very good friend Garra, the current Kazekage, with his sister Temari-chan and the guy in the face paint is their brother Kankuro."

"Damn, is every woman in your village as hot as the ones here, Bro?" Gamakichi asked.

"Yeah, most of them." Naruto nodded.

"Who are those weirdoes in the back cloaks with the red clouds on them?" Ed asked.

"They would be the Akatsuki. They hunt down demons and demon hosts to steal the demons and use them to take over the world. So, see anyone you know Ed?"

"Yes I do Naruto. The pretty boy who's flirting with that purple haired woman with the cat mask is my perverted boss, Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist. The woman with the gun who's dragging him away is Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. The three guys exchanging money where Riza just dragged the Colonel are his underlings. The dog is Riza's pet, Black Hayate. We also have my younger brother Alphonse-"

"He's the one in the suit of armor, right?" Naruto interrupted.

"…Something like that. Anyway, next to him is our childhood friend and my chief mechanic Winry Rockbell, her grandmother Pinako, and their dog Den. I also see Rose, my teacher Izumi and her husband, Chezka the bookworm. The people with the banner are Major Armstrong's family, and then we have the Fuer and his aid, that brat Wrath, that bastard Scar, and those other damn homunculi as well." Ed finished the last group growling and glaring.

"You really don't like those last guys, do you?" Gamkichi asked.

"You could say that if I was in a position to save any of their lives I would hesitate severely," Ed deadpanned.

"Anyway…It's time for the main event!" Naruto shouted, gaining a rousing cheer from the crowd.

"That's Right! Today's fight is sure to be one for the record books. Representing Central city we have my slightly creepy superior, Major Alex Louise Armstrong!" Ed introduced his champion.

"And his opponent, the number two taijutsu specialist in Konoha and genius of hard work, Rock Lee!" Naruto followed.

The competitors jumped into the ring. The first, Armstrong, was a tall muscular bald man with a single curly lock of blonde hair on top and a thick blonde handlebar mustache below wearing just blue pants, black boots, and steel gauntlets. Next was Lee, a slim young man with black hair in a bowl cut with extremely large eyebrows wearing a fresh-pressed green jumpsuit, orange leg warmers, and blue sandals. The two fighters, not bothering with bravado and pleasantries, leapt straight into a heated exchange of blows. The first round was so intense that the commentary was lost in the *crack* of nearly superhuman strikes.

The two separated at the end of the first round. Armstrong flexed his muscular torso in an exaggerated pose, somehow surrounding himself in a cloud of twinkling lights. "Such energy and vitality! Your soul burns with a beautiful intensity!"

Lee followed his opponents' example by giving him a thumbs-up accompanied by awink and combined with a wide smile that somehow made his teeth sparkle with an audible 'ping'."Your flames of youth burn almost as brightly as mine! If I cannot make mine burn brighter I will run a million laps around the arena!" He shouted, somehow intensifying the light from his teeth.

"A noble endeavor! But I will not be bested in this contest!" Armstrong changed his pose and enhanced the brightness of his own light show.

This went on for the rest of the round, with both ever increasing the brightness of their respective techniques. The light was so bright that it hurt to look directly at the ring. Fortunately the three commentators had had the sense to bring shades and were able to continue their coverage of the fight.

"That is bright, Yo!" Gamakichi said.

"Yeah. Hey look! Gai-sensei's getting in on it too!" Naruto pointed out the larger doppelganger of Lee who was surrounded by a brilliant sunset.

"And it looks like the rest of the Armstrong's are doing it. Even Major General Olivier?!" Indeed, even the stoic 'Ice Queen' of the North was surrounded by the bright twinkling motes of light; though, they may have just been spillover from her nearby younger sister, who was completely surrounded by the things.

Suddenly**,** the intense light the combatants were producing started small fires all around the arena that quickly spread. In the ensuing panic to escape the now burning building many people made flashy exits: summons poofed, ninja shunshin'd, alchemists made doors or blew up walls, heavy hitters like Tsunade and Sakura punched their way out, and everyone else just plain ran for their lives. Once everyone was outside they stood and watched as the stadium went up in flames.

Since Gamakichi poofed off with the rest of the summons, Naruto and Ed continued their commentary alone from their relocated table in front of the stadium.

"Well folks, it looks like this match has come to a close with no winner," Naruto voice carried over those who stayed to watch the arena burn.

"We will now call for a moment of silence for the thrice charred fighters. Though they were each annoying and weird as hell, they will be missed," Ed said somberly.

Many in the crowd bowed their heads in respect for the lost warriors. The solemn moment was ruined when Lee and Armstrong came running out of the burning rubble in a panic with their asses on fire.

A large portion of the crowd faceplanted when the two started rolling in the dirt to try and put themselves out. Ed and Naruto turned to face the fourth wall. "Can we wrap this up now? Please?" Ed asked desperately.

"Yeah, we've been waiting on your backburner for four years now –tebayo!" Naruto yelled.

On the far side of the fourth wall, a young man who really needed to shave sweatdropped. With a muttered "ingrates," he wrapped things up.

The End.

* * *

This catches me up on posts through October 2012. If I hurry, I might get out the last two I need for last year so I can start the new year fresh. Wish me luck!

Have a heart: donate to the Author Review Fund. Your review helps starving artists everywhere!


End file.
